Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Reynolds Amends Death Penalty Bill

Madison – Sensing opposition to his recently introduced bill to bring back the death penalty under certain circumstances, State Senator Tom Reynolds (R-West Allis) today announced a significant change that he believes will garner legislative support for the bill.

Under the original legislation, the death penalty in Wisconsin would have been reinstated if the victim had been sexually assaulted and murdered, and the corpse had been either dismembered, disfigured or mutilated.

Under Reynolds’ new bill, someone convicted of murder could be sentenced to death if the corpse had been subjected to all the following:

-Sexually assaulted;

-Dismembered;

-Mutilated;

-Disfigured;

-Covered in Ms. Butterworth’s syrup;

-Beaten in a game of rock, paper scissors (corpses always pick paper);

-Set on fire;

-Told they were adopted;

-Forced to view an episode of “Becker;”

-Dragged around wearing sunglasses by two guys at a beach house as if it were alive;

-Made to return a sweater to Banana Republic without a receipt;

-Insulted with jokes about their obese mothers;

-Forced to run as a Democrat for Attorney General;

-Home schooled; and

-Cut into tiny pieces and fed to Alex Trebek.

Reynolds’ push for the death penalty coincidentally comes at the same time Steven Avery is being held in the death of a 25 year old local photographer, after he served 18 years in prison for a rape he didn’t commit.

“See,” said Reynolds, “If we had the death penalty in place, we can fry these bastards before they’re exonerated and kill someone.”

When informed that nobody in the Wisconsin corrections system is currently being held for the crime he is currently proposing, Reynolds said, "facts make Baby Jesus cry."