Thursday, July 07, 2005

Quick Observations, Part 2

I’m always entertained when people speculate as to who “won” the battle of the state budget. To settle it once and for all, we need have Jim Doyle on one side of a podium and the Legislature on the other side. With Virgil standing behind her fanning out $100 bills (like he used to do for the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase), Supreme Court Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson would then declare a winner, who would then get to hold the championship belt until the next budget amid trash talk between the sides.

I saw “Batman Begins” this weekend and it was so good, I was inspired to go out and fight crime. I immediately went to PDQ and sat there for 12 hours, waiting for it to be robbed. Unfortunately, the only criminal act I witnessed was the fact that they were selling boxes of Gobstoppers for $1.29.

Rumors are circling that former Senate Minority Leader Jon Erpenbach will not seek re-election next year. Erpenbach, as you recall, won the Olympic gold medal in the 200 meter backstroke last summer, beating out American favorite Michael Phelps. Phelps was clearly devastated when he was beaten by a paunchy 43 year old, who was actually smoking a cigarette and had a blood alcohol level of .32 as he swam. Erpenbach is looking forward to spending time training for the newest Olympic event, the "neighborhood pool fence jump."

Ever notice that on “The Wiggles” they never allow the Asian Wiggle to drive the Big Red Car? Is that because he’s a narcoleptic?

Is there a more under-covered story than Frank Boyle reportedly urinating in his pants at the police station when he was arrested for DUI earlier this year? Next time someone says "something doesn’t pass the smell test" on the floor of the Assembly, they might want to check Boyle’s trousers.

Last week, I shaved off my goatee. Yesterday, wouldn’t you know it, I was walking down the street and saw someone else wearing it! I tried to wrestle it off the fellow, but for some reason, he resisted. Finally, we exchanged library card numbers and went our separate ways.

I was watching the Brewer game a couple weeks ago, when Prince Fielder hit his first major league home run. Hysterical announcer Daron Sutton acted as if Fielder instead walked out to the middle of the field and converted bread to fish for the Miller Park crowd. Sutton, a former pitcher, clearly has seen plenty of home runs in his time, otherwise he wouldn't be announcing baseball games - he'd be pitching in them.

If there were ever an Olympic competition for spinning a bag of Wonder Bread to close it after use, I would win the gold medal every time. That is, until they found out I use steroids to get as good as I am.

If you're ever stuck an at airport and have to resort to people watching, there are two games that are sure to keep you entertained. Game one: "Gay... or European?" Game two: "Father... or lover?" And you have to pause between the choices. Funny every time.

One of the funnier recent developments has to be rappers getting into the soft drink business. This weekend, I tried some of Nelly’s “Pimp Juice,” then I sat back waiting for five strung out, syphilis infected street women to show up at my house, urging me to slap them around. Still waiting, nothing yet. My dog did hump my Playstation, so I’m holding out hope that it’s working a little bit.

I rewired my alarm clock so now when the alarm goes off, I fall asleep instantly.

Yep, I think this pretty much sums up Europeans. (Warning: absolutely NOT work friendly.)Apparently "Ding Dong Song (You Touch My Tra-La-La)" by Gunther & The Sunshine Girls is the #1 song in Sweden right now. And we base our foreign policy on what these people think? 5 bucks to anyone who can watch the whole thing through.