Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Blog that Keeps You Safe

Okay, some of you might remember this column from last week (the one that set off parental filter alarms around the state). I didn't intend to cover this topic again, but this story is too funny, and proves that law enforcement in Northwest Wisconsin are Dennis York fans.

A Minneapolis man accused of sexual assault while wearing spandex pants was bound over for trial during a preliminary hearing last Friday (July 8).

St. Croix County Circuit Court Judge Edward F. Vlack set an arraignment hearing for Michael Scott Long, 36, July 19 at 2:30 p.m. A $5,000 signature bond was continued. The courtroom was closed during the proceedings over the objections of defense attorney Daniel F.DeMaio.

During the hearing Assistant District Attorney Frank Collins informed the court the state could file intimidation charges against Long. Collins also was granted a request for an investigator to accompany a witness to her vehicle.

Long was charged with second-degree sexual assault as a persistent repeater following an incident Oct. 24, 2004, at the Country Inn Suites in River Falls.

The criminal complaint alleged Long hugged an 18-year-old female desk clerk several times without permission while wearing spandex pants and made lewd comments.

Long has been charged with disorderly conduct and lewd lascivious behavior following previous incidents in Hudson and New Richmond when he entered businesses while wearing spandex pants. Court records said he has indecent exposure convictions in Minnesota and Colorado.

Okay, point #1 - How funny is it that the guy's name is "Long" and the prosecuting attorney's name is "Frank?" I want this case to go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, so I can read about the "Long/Frank" case for indecent exposure.

Point #2 - What would possibly be the purpose in pointing out THREE TIMES in the story that the guy was wearing spandex? Still thinking? I'll give you another minute...

...because Mr. Long was clearly in violation of Wisconsin Statute 942.08(1)(a)!

I think I can humbly and accurately state that he would never have been caught without my groundbreaking essay. In fact, I now think it is likely I will be called to testify in this case. If I am, there is a 100% chance I will show up in court wearing full body length spandex (and a tie, out of respect for the court). I better not say any more, as it might taint my testimony.

I'm not a big fan of the death penalty, but in this case it should be utilized, just so Long can get his wish of being stiff in perpetuity.