Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Random Weekly Observations I

Here's some stuff that didn't necessarily fit in a column:

Remember getting candy bars at halloween that are packaged as "fun size," but are actually half the size of regular candy bars? Exactly what is so fun about getting half a Three Musketeers? This is absolutely the way the Legislature should pitch its smaller increases in school aids in this budget, though. Now! School aids in a new, fun-sized package! Everyone will love it!


I find it interesting that it is primarily female legislators speaking out against a bill that would ban the UW from distributing the morning after pill. After all, who benefits the most from the increased availability of birth control? That's right - ugly men. In fact, I propose a new lobbying group, "BUM" (Booty for Ugly Men), and I make myself the President. We will make sure every woman can act as irresponsibly as possible with no consequences.

Speaking of birth control, feast your eyes on this beauty of a press release from Planned Parenthood. It contains this unspeakably obnoxious statement:

Without access to birth control, the average woman would have between 12 and 15 children in her lifetime.

Of course, that number has to refer to the number of children women would have if they maintained their current behavior with birth control available. Do they honestly think that after the 8th kid, a woman wouldn't say, "You know, maybe this whole consequence-free sex thing isn't working out for me"?


Fashion tip: If you are an ugly woman and bleach your hair blonde, you will be an ugly woman with blonde hair. If you are a pretty woman and bleach your hair blonde, you will be a pretty woman with blonde hair.

Accordingly, if you are an ugly man and grow a beard, you will be an ugly man with a beard. If you are a good looking man with a beard, you are most likely Lorenzo Lamas, and don't need my fashion tips.


If they ever make stem cells in jellybean form, I will likely live to be 500 years old. Like Yoda or Papa Smurf.


I was stopped at a stoplight the other day, and saw four cars in a row with Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers still on (remember them?) Enough, people - you don't like Bush, we get it. Having one of these stickers still on your car virtually guarantees that I will drive within 3 inches of your bumper.


Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager’s comical attempt to personally prosecute North Woods Shooter Chai Vang has sparked more ideas for character rehabilitation for the AG. It has been announced that Lautenschlager will re-open the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial later this month. Lautenschlager also has plans to exhume the skeleton of Jeffery Dahmer to collect on some old parking tickets.


A few weeks ago at a public hearing on school choice, a State Senator tried to resurrect the term "Afro American." Does this make me a "Mullet American?"


Dane County Supervisor Rob Fyrst announced yesterday that he will run for the one office all children aspire to, State Treasurer. People declaring their candidacy for treasurer a year and a half before the election is a sure sign that the end is nigh. My suggestion: Rob adopts the motto "Fyrst Blood" and shows up all of his events wearing a Rambo-type headband and a big buck knife with a compass in the handle. He could stand on the podium and mow down the press corps with an uzi to show that he means business. "Nobody is going to screw with the unclaimed property program on my watch!"


On the Coalition for American Families website, the group claims that it "will not waiver in its support of policies that help every family thrive." Maybe they need to not "waver" in support of buying a spell checker for their computer. I would argue bad spelling is a significant threat to America's families.


The whole "no blood for oil" line seems to be holding up well, considering oil is now at record high prices. If we really did go to war for oil, I would expect not to have to put my gas on layaway. Next up - Bush invades Iowa for their ethanol.


The Federalist Papers, seminal documents in American history, were written by James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, and John Jay. You think John Jay ever felt inferior being lumped in with those heavyweights? Isn't he kind of like the member of Destiny's Child that nobody can ever name? (Next to Beyonce' and Kelly Rowland, of course) Jay did end up as the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he clearly didn't look as good as Beyonce in a skirt.


Any CD store that doesn't make you feel like a complete moron for buying a Pearl Jam CD probably isn't worth a damn.


Co-worker: "I think Michael Jackson is going to get off."

Me: "Isn't that why he's in trouble?"

(Please, hold your applause)